Escaping The "Trap" of Domestic Violence

"I Got Flowers Today"

2009-03-29T21:46:00.004-04:00

Until today I have never posted the same thing twice. However, due to an unusual amount of email regarding one topic...I decided to again post "I Got Flowers Today".
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This is a poem I found long ago. There is no name attached as to who the author is but I felt it appropriate for this topic. The poem is as follows:

"I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said because he sent me flowers today.I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any special day.Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today, and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.Last night he beat me up again, and it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.But I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today.I got flowers today. Today was a very special day.It was the day of my funeral.Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death.If only I had gathered the courage and strength to leave him.I would not have gotten flowers today".

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There are three primary parts of domestic violence. What I'm going to share comes from "Cycle of Violence"...again I don't recall it's original source. Yet, it's something I was given when I first sought help through the women's shelter.1) Increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing.2) Battering, hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, use of objects or weapons. Sexual abuse. Verbal threats and abuse.3) Calm stage (this may decrease over time) He may deny violence, say he was drunk, say he didn't mean it, say he's sorry, and promises it will never happen again.

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Many times over these last few weeks, I've implored you to let someone know you are in a crisis situation. Yet, the amount of emails I'm receiving is confirming the vast majority are not doing this. There are various reasons that you are telling me for not doing so...and I understand.My own personal experience let's me see that your reasons for not doing so are valid. However, now that I'm on this 'side' of the cycle of domestic violence, I can see some options that were available that I didn't take advantage of. Don't make the same mistakes that I did. More times than I can count, I had to seek immediate health care. There was never a single time I was asked by a health care professional while ALONE..."are you living in a safe environment?".

If it wasn't my abuser that drove me to the Emergency Department of the local hospital, it was one of his relatives (usually a female). It made no difference if the abuser was there or not...as whoever it happened to be that drove me...they were always in the room. It's not rocket science to know that I answered, "Yes, I'm in a safe environment". We must do whatever it takes to get that health care provider...ALONE! Let them know that you need help and it needs to be now...not later. There may not be a "later".

I know that there are measures built into the health care system to help those in abusive relationships...yet, personal experience has taught me that just because it's "built in" doesn't mean it's followed.

Recently, I wrote about the need for additional surgery. I've also told my readers that I am remarried (almost 2 years now). You cannot imagine the shock I had when I went to the hospital this last time. When my husband and I went to registration to 'check-in', they still had my old information on the "face sheet" with the number of my abuser!

My husband and I both were livid. My husband told the person at registration that this was supposed to have been changed almost 3 years ago. She assured us that it had been changed in their system. My husband demanded that she print out a new "face sheet" to verify what she had just said. When she printed out that new "face sheet"...it was still the same. The information within their system had NOT been changed.

The sudden panic that hit me felt as if I'd been kicked. We were ushered into a different waiting area. This is where we stayed until I was called to go into the "prep area" before my procedure began. I felt victimized all over again. However, my husband's continued insistence proved to be of great benefit. Before I left the hospital they...finally... they had removed all old information off my medical chart. Why did it take almost 3 years to do this? The only thing I can think of is it was not of importance. If it had been, it'd have been removed when I entered the "safe house".

When I entered the "safe house" it was discovered that I needed surgery. My case manager called my physician and let him know where I was and the reason why. She had also called the hospital and let them know, too. I was to receive a call from the hospital later that day to let me know the exact time I should arrive and which entrance to use. When no call came, I let my case manager know this. She suggested to me that I should call them.

You can imagine my shock when I was told that they did call. They let my husband (abuser) know what time to have me there and which entrance to use. This was in 2005! You can understand why I was so upset when now, in 2008, they still had the wrong information. Please understand, I am in no way saying it's like this all over. I'm simply letting you know of my personal experience.

This is the reason I caution you...make sure health care facilities know what your situation is...check...double check...and triple check, if need be. Don't get caught off guard as I did. It may seem extreme that after almost 3 years they had the same obsolete information...but they did. If it hadn't happened to me, I may have had a difficult time believing it. Yet, I must say that my new husband's insistence made all the difference in the world...as I was so panicked, I could hardly speak.Well, it's getting late and I need to stop for now...but not before I remind you that you are being prayed for. There are a vast number of women that I'm connected to, they also read your comments. Their hearts are connected to you. We are committed to your safety and well-being.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"Stalked to Death"

2009-03-25T23:46:00.006-04:00

There was a front-page article on stalking. The title was “Stalked to Death”. It was written Friday January 9. I am the one referred to as “Marianne”. You will also learn that although I have been divorced from the abuser, he continues to harass me by stalking me at times. Although he lives 200 miles away, he still drives over here. His photo has been snapped on my friend’s cell phone camera and I have seen him on four different occasions.

I have been remarried to the most amazing man on the planet for almost three years now. Why he expends so much energy to harass and try to track me down, I do not know. I can tell you that continually looking over my shoulder is extremely stressful.

The article in its entirety is below. Due to it being a short piece, there were many facets of domestic assault that were not explored in the article.

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For 20 years of her marriage, Marianne slept in bed each night with one foot planted on the floor. She lived, and slept, in constant fear of her abusive husband. “I would get hit, kicked or knocked out of bed almost every night,” she said. When Marianne (not her real name) gathered the courage to leave her 25-year marriage, she made what she thought would be a clean break, living in a shelter and quickly filing for divorce.

“He eventually moved to the other side of the state, which made me feel like I would be somewhat safe,” said Marianne, who divorced in 2005. “Then I found out he had been driving around our area.”

After leaving her husband, much of Marianne’s behavior had to change as her ex continued to stalk her — even now, when she has since remarried. She has spotted his vehicle at least four times since their split. A friend captured a photo on her cell phone of his car passing through the area, she said.

“He believes that God hates divorce,” she said. “To him I will always be his wife, and anyone else is an intruder.”

One in 12 women and one in 45 men will be stalked sometime in their lives, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime, which defines stalking as a course of conduct directed at a specific person to cause fear.

It can include phone calls, following, vandalism and even threats or harm directed at the person’s family or pets.

Marianne’s ex-husband once attached a GPS tracking device to her vehicle.

As part of January’s Stalking Awareness Month, the Women's Resource Center will host a Jan. 27 ceremony for victims of domestic violence and stalking who have died in the past year.
On Saturday, Jan. 10, a memorial and candlelight vigil will take for Lori DeKleine, who was murdered in one of the most high-profile cases of domestic abuse in recent years.

Lori DeKleine, 43, was found dead in her home on Calvin Avenue on Jan. 10, 2008.
Her husband, a then police officer Ken DeKleine, was sentenced to life in prison without parole for her murder.

Testimony during a jury trial in July showed that Lori planned to attend a stalking seminar before her murder.

Lori DeKleine filed a restraining order against Ken DeKleine in January 2007, about a year before her murder. In it, she wrote, her husband was a “sexual and emotional bully” who stalked her by putting recording devices in her backpack and bedroom. He once broke into her locked bedroom through a window at night, leaving shattered glass and blood, she wrote.

In the past four months, two other local women were murdered by former boyfriends with histories of stalking them. Of all women killed by their intimate partners, 76 percent were stalked by that partner before they were killed, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime.

Danica Flournoy, 23, was fatally shot by her ex-boyfriend, Robert Echols, 29, in a 16th Street apartment complex. Echols killed himself two hours later in Grand Rapids, on Oct. 27.
Echols was searching for Flournoy before he shot her, Flournoy’s mother, Penny McCoy, said at the time. Flournoy had moved into her mother’s boyfriend’s apartment just hours before she was found and murdered.

Esmeralda Aguilera, 31, was shot and killed by her former boyfriend, Reyes Renteria, 31, who also took his own life, on Dec. 7. She filed a restraining order against Renteria six days before her murder.

In the court files, Aguilera described Renteria showing up uninvited at her home, workplace and at a Rod & Gun Club dance.

On Dec. 1, Aguilera wrote that she was seeking the restraining order because “Ray will not stop looking for me we broke off our relationship and he wants me to ‘give him another chance.’ I’ve told him no but he will not stop.”

Marianne said she was too fearful to file again for a personal protection order against her ex-husband.

“The reason we don't want to do anything now is that you have to go to court for that,” she said. “I don't want him knowing my last name.”

One thing the Women's Resource Center crisis intervention advocate Anna DeHaan wants stalking victims to know is that taking the issue to court does not have to mean revealing your location.

“The victim is going to know their situation best, but there is an option to keep your address confidential (on a restraining order form),” she said. “However, the person will know your jurisdiction.”

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I want to let you know that it was a fractured eye-socket and broken jaw that finally got me out of that situation...plus a quick thinking neighbor that had heard me screaming. One thing I've learned is that when we think all is well...it may not be. I've found this out since my "ex" is still considered by the police as "unpredictiable".

There have been no posts written in so long. Most of you know I'm dealing with significant physical challenges. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a chore and my sleep is distrubed at night due to pain.

I still wish there were a way I could reach out and hug each and every one of you. Whether I write regularly or not....you are always being prayed for.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

PS. One of the women that was murdered, I'd gotten to know while living in the safe-house.

"Wellness Check"

2008-12-10T09:56:00.006-05:00

I have been receiving many e-mail letters from women who have told me that they feel that they have nowhere to turn for help. Some have confided that because of this isolation they have had thoughts of suicide. Many others who have contacted me via e-mail also know of women who have confided that they too are similarly desperate. In both cases fear of the abuser and possible retaliation are effective roadblocks. The abuser frequently counts on intimidation as a weapon.

Depression is a very serious matter, one cannot simply snap out of this type of emotional pain. It is truly terrible to lose one’s dignity, no one should feel so alone and unheard that suicide becomes an option. I would like to suggest a possible solution that can aid women who otherwise feel helpless, and hopeless. What I am suggesting is known as a “wellness check.” Anyone who suspects or knows of an impending plan to hurt oneself can contact the local law enforcement authorities. A police department or county sheriff for those who live in rural areas can be contacted through calling 911. An law enforcement officer will dispatched to the residence. A request for a “wellness check” may provide help and save someone’s life.

I know that there is reluctance for people to admit that they suffer from this level of emotional pain and grief. Some people believe that taking such action further erodes their dignity by seeking help. I beg to differ in that the alternative to not getting help may be far more catastrophic. I have counseled many women who have told me that they see no other way. The immediate pain overshadows their logic. Many times these feelings motivate actions that are both powerful and impulsive. Once in motion these plans are hard to stop. Professional help is required.

Therefore, what I am advocating is a chance to take a time out away from the abuser. This is only a suggestion but I know that “wellness checks have saved many lives. I know of a situation where someone recently called for such a wellness check and the police arrived in time to save the life of a young mother. Had someone not called for a wellness check when I was living with my abuser, I could have been killed.

Let’s never forget that we are “our brother’s keeper”…Is it ever too late to do the right thing? If I could, I would (((hug))) each one of you. Be reminded that there is an army of women praying for you.

Kathryn

"The Beginning of A New Day"

2008-12-07T17:31:00.012-05:00

Those of you that have been reading this site are well aware that I had surgery again on Oct 8. Things did not go as smoothly as we had hoped. This is the reason I have not posted anything recently. However, to those of you that have sent emails...I have read each and every one.

I wish I could say that physically things are looking up...but they are not. There are still times I cannot sleep due to discomfort. As soon as I get recovered enough, I need to return to the neurosurgeon to look further into the brain lesions that were discovered. Yet, within these last two days the Lord has done a new thing for me. Even now thinking about it...I am filled with delight.

There have been a few Christian sisters He has brought across my path. Just as the title of this post..."The Beginning of A New Day"...having these ladies in my life is that new day!

Many of the emails I've received have asked numerous questions. After carefully reading all the emails I've discovered that all questions have already been answered within the many posts I've done on this site. I encourage you to take your time and read through them.

I'm currently working within state government to try and change how funds are allocated between the counties regarding obtaining more help for domestic violence victims. This seems to be a long process as there are many hoops to jump through. Rest assured that although the fight is long the women behind this cause are very strong and determined.

There is still a need for your prayer support for the health issues of which I'm struggling. Rarely am I even able to leave my home...when I do, it is only for short periods of time. However, whenever I am able to get out I am thrilled. The fresh snow on the ground...the way the snow hugs the trees and bushes is absolutely gorgeous. Plus, the way the scent of the pine trees in winter is wonderful! Today, I saw two cardinals. This surprised me as I thought they headed south for winter...obviously I was wrong.

This post is shorter than usual, but I am only able to be up for short periods of time. Be reminded there is an army of women that are praying for you. Don't take chances with your safety...there is help available. Use the resources I have listed on this site. I wish I could (((hug))) each one of you.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

My Surgery is Today

2008-10-08T09:06:00.003-04:00

Today, October 8 is the day of my surgery. I have to be at the hospital at 1:00 PM. After surgery I will be in intensive care. If you are wondering if I'm somewhat stressful about this, the answer is "Yes". However, those of you that have been following this blog, also know I am remarried to the most amazing man on the planet.

Last week, I had to go the hospital for a whole battery of tests that needed to be completed prior to my surgical date. Keep in mind I have been remarried for just over two years.

You can imagine my shock and outrage that on the "face sheet" of my chart they had listed "next of kin contact information". THEY HAD MY ABUSER'S NUMBER LISTED! Immediate fear gripped me. Had they already called him with any information (this was my thought)?

Thankfully, my beloved husband was with me. He (a medical professional) was equally outraged. Before we left the hospital that day, the correct information was on the "face sheet" of my chart. If anyone would have told me the hospital could have screwed something up like this so badly...I would not have believed it. Yet, it's true. They messed up royally.

This alerted me to the fact if it can happen to me, it just as well could happen to anyone. PLEASE...ladies, if you have any procedures done, whether in patient, or out patient: Check over every single bit of information. Check, and double check. Do not allow anyone to tell you, "Oh, it's all OK." That's what they told me...thankfully....we looked!

The other source of stress right now, is knowing that as soon as I've recovered successfully from this surgery...I have to go back to the neurosurgeon to continue looking into the reasons for all the lesions I have on both sides of my brain. Only some of the reason is clear...and that is repeated head trauma after all the years of abuse. Another thing I was told that it could be MS...as there are medical indicators that would suggest this. Yet, it needs to be investigated more thoroughly.

To those of you that pray, I certainly covet your prayer support. I don't know when I'll be able to do my next post. I was told that some hospitals have access for their patients to the internet. Yet, it never occured to me until right now that I should have asked. :(

I have a little more to do yet before we leave. I will close out for now. Usually, I end my post by saying I wish I could (((Hug))) each one of you...but right now, I wish I could get a (((Hug))) from you.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"Kathryn, Where Are You?"

2008-09-01T04:32:00.007-04:00

I've haven't written a post in weeks. I've received so many emails asking, "Kathryn, where are you?" It's past 4:30 AM Sept 1...and I cannot sleep due to the level of discomfort I'm experiencing. Some of you have known of the physical struggles I've been dealing with...others of you don't. If this post seems to be "all over the page" forgive me. This is a time where I'm asking you to pray for me.

It seems like I'm fighting a war on three fronts. I have lesions on both sides of my brain. Tests are inconclusive...yet, MS has not been ruled out. It's also been said that some of these lesions are most likely the result of repeated "head trauma" over the years while living in an abusive marriage.

Recently, I was referred to a cardiologist due to complication in another area. The doctor ordered a whole hosts of tests to be done. After all tests results were in, I was not prepared for the results. Without going into much detail, I will be seeing a cardiac surgeon on Sept 10. The problem is, I don't know exactly how much damage has already occurred. Can it be fixed?

My husband is a medical professional. He's been trying to find research regarding what we were told. I can see the concern in his eyes...those unspoken words between husband and wife. The other issue is the fact there has not been much research into this particular problem. This has caused much frustration and anxiety for both of us.

In the midst of all this, those of you struggling within an abusive relationship...I have never let go of you in prayer. Again, I want to remind you there is an army of women that are also praying for you on a daily basis. The emails I receive have let me know of the triumphs that have come to some of you...other emails have told of the sorrow due to the ongoing abuse. The thing I know for sure...there is a way out!

If that seems like a bold statement, it was intended to be. The reason I know there is a way out...is due to the fact I'm out of a toxic relationship that lasted almost 25 years. I wish I could give each one of you a (((Hug)))...be reminded that I care.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"Perpetrator or Victim?"

2008-07-05T09:20:00.029-04:00

I would like to think that all of us who read these words understand the definition of violence. I also believe that rage is a large part of violence. Let's look at violence

A man gets in a fight in a bar and snaps a pool cue over another man's head (concussion, sutures) because he did not like what the other man said.
question? Who's the perpetrator and who is the victim ?

A man gets cut off on the freeway and he decides to follow the other man and when the other car stops he starts a fight with this man (Broken nose). Again who is the victim?

A woman is accused of not having dinner on the table at the designated time, in response to this the husband beats the wife resulting in (concussion, sutures on bottom lip) the woman was late because her child was injured on the playground, but her husband never gave her a chance to say "why" she was late. Now who's is the victim.

The reason for the exercise is that I believe that a compassionate understanding person would recognize that in each case the person who was beaten is the victim. One can easily determine that in these examples nothing was done to deserve this aggressive act. Now some of our more learned Biblical "scholars" who grace these pages with their comments, that a woman needs to be corrected and brought into submission under her husband's authority would really be condoning the rage of a violent act. Image if you will the in each case the perpetrator is the same man. Was he thinking Biblically each time he acted out and allowed rage to control him, or only when he beat his wife. Do you that read the Bible and adhere to loving words of our LORD believe that rage in the form of uncontrolled anger is prescribed by the text? In each case above the man let his emotions rage and the resulting violence is always barred by law and punishable by jail time.

You can couch violence against one's partner in purely Biblical terms but I believe that you are lying to yourself, when you fail to see that it was rage, uncontrolled anger and after the fact defended by the abuser as an act of Biblical correction. If you can show me how fractures, concussions, sutures, destruction of person property, and very often death are justified by the Bible when in fact what we are really looking at is rage pure and simple then I will print your comments. Since I know that you can't please refrain!

Dozens of you have forwarded to me an article written by a Baptist "Scholar". You've requested that I respond to the outrageous remarks given by it's author. I plan on doing this, but desire to not only read it, but listen to an audio version as well. Many times you can pick up on nuances in an audio version that may otherwise be absent in text. Although, I can't imagine anything being worse than what I've already read.

I found an excellent survey to help in determining if your relationship is abusive. Many times we make excuses for our partner. The reason I can say this with such confidence is that I made excuses, too. This survery was found on a site that also deals with domestic violence issues. www.aardvarc.org . This site had many other links and 'help tools'.

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Relationship Quiz: Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

Instructions:

Enter the number of points next to each question depending on the severity of each item:

Never: 0 points
Rarely: 1 point
Sometimes: 2 points
Frequently: 3 points

__ My partner teases me in a hurtful way in private or in public

__ My partner calls me names such as "stupid" or "bitch"

__ My partner acts jealous of my friends, family, or co-workers

__ My partner gets angry about clothes I wear or how I style my hair

__ My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to

__ My partner insists on knowing who I talk to on the phone

__ My partner blames me for their problems or bad mood

__ My partner gets angry easily, leaving me walking on eggshells

__ My partner throws or destroys things when angry

__ My partner hits walls, drives dangerously or does other things to scare me

__ My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs

__ My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do

__ My partner accuses me of being interested in someone else

__ My partner reads my mail, goes thru my personal space/items (ie. purse)

__ My partner keeps me from getting a job or finds ways to cause problems at my job

__ My partner keeps money from me, keeps me in debt, or has "money secrets"

__ My partner sold my car, made me give up my license, or won't repair my car

__ My partner has threatened to hurt me

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my children

__ My partner has actually hurt my children

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my pets

__ My partner has actually hurt my pets

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my friends or family

__ My partner has hurt a friend or family member

__ My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave

__ My partner has struck me with hands or feet - slapped, punched, kicked

__ My partner has struck me with an object or threatened me with a weapon

__ My partner has given me visible injuries - bruises, welts, cuts

__ I have had to administer first aid to myself due to injuries from my partner

__ My injuries have been serious enough to seek treatment - doctor, hospital, clinic, paramedic

__ My partner forces me to have sex when I don't want to

__ My partner forces me to have sex in ways that I don't want to

__ My partner has been in trouble with the police

__ My partner acts one way in front of others, and another way when we are alone

__ My partner is secretive or lies about past relationships

__ I feel isolated and alone and have no one I can really talk to

__ I have lost friends because of my partner/partner's actions

__ I no longer see some of my family because of my partner

__ I have thought about calling the police because of an incident of violence

__ I have actually called the police on one or more occasions

__ I am afraid to call the police because of threats from my partner

_____ TOTAL POINTS

0-17: Generally Non-abusive

These are likely to be the sorts of strains that are not unusual in relationships. Do NOT, however, make the mistake of brushing off any incident of violence or threat of violence, no matter how isolated!

18-58: Moderately Abusive

This is a home experiencing some violence at least once in a while. It may be that this is a relationship where violence is just beginning. In a new relationship there is good reason to expect it will eventually escalate into more serious forms and may occur more frequently.

59-95: Seriously Abusive

Scores in this range indicate a seriously abusive relationship that can, under outside pressure, or with the sudden strain of a family emergency, move into the dangerously severe range. Serious injury is quite probable if it has not already occurred. Please consider getting help, even leaving.

96 and up: Dangerously Abusive

If you scored in the top range, you need to consider even more seriously the option of leaving, at least temporarily, while you consider your next move. The violence will not take care of itself or miraculously disappear. Over time the chances are very good that your life and/or the lives of your children will be in danger.
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Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"No Help Where There Should Be Help"

2008-06-23T09:19:00.010-04:00

I've received emails from many of you, asking why I hadn't done a recent article. I apologize for the delay. However, as most of you already know, I'm dealing with several health issues...most of which are related to the years of abuse. There have been numerous appointments and tests with my physician, yet, I'm left with more questions than answers.

From the comments I've gotten on this blog, it's obvious that most of you had run into the same difficulty I had. The problem was thinking that your church or the medical profession would readily help you.

It is certainly not my intention to say that all churches, and all medical personnel are not willing to help. Yet, it's been my own personal experience that where you think there would be help...there may be no help at all. Many of you have echoed similar experiences.

However, now, I've finally gotten the "ear" of a few medical personnel and a few church leaders. It appears that with the majority of the medical professionals, they are content to rely on their statistics to gather necessary information on the demographics of the problem and how to best be of assistance. Yet, statistics can be skewed to the view of the one gathering the information.

I still get many emails from you telling me that some (not all) nurses in the Emergency Departments, or Immediate Care facilities are not even bothering to look up from the keyboard when they ask you, if you are living in a safe environment. You are also telling me that you are not being asked this when alone...and this is critical, that you be alone! None of us, having been in an abusive relationship would ever admit to being abused with our abuser standing right there. Personally, I've found it unsafe with anyone being there. There were many times my abuser refused to even take me to the hospital for treatment, instead having his sister or another female relative accompany me. Needless to say, I could never admit to abuse in front of them, as they always reported back to him what I said.

Then there are many churches, like the one I was involved for over two decades (and in leadership). It was here that I was told, "That's just the way he is"..."What are you doing to "provoke" him"..."You have no Biblical grounds for divorce"..."You need to adapt yourself to your husbands plans"...and a numerous array of reasons why the abuse was "my fault".

I encourage you to read previous posts I've written as there is an enormous amount of information contained within them. You can read for yourself, the betrayal of a friend of over 20 years...the total disconnect of my own pastor...the lack of help from the medical community...including the hospital calling my abuser to tell him the time to have me at the hospital and what entrance to use!

There was a time, while attempting to make a hasty retreat from my abuser, I fell off the porch. This resulted in multiple fractures, torn hamstring, etc. During this time, I received a letter from my pastor. This when I still thought that, perhaps, my pastor would understand and intervene with some sorely needed help. I was so excited when I received the letter, I tore it open immediately.

Below you'll see a 'verbatim' account of a bit (for privacy purposes, I'm not publishing it in it's entirety) of his letter. After reading it, I was devastated. Obviously, I am not going to include names of individuals.
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“Dear X,

Sincere Christian Greetings!

I have been informed a couple of times and most recently by (another church leader) that you are unhappy with me because I have not called you concerning your absence from church.

Let me say first of all, you have been contacted numerous times through my wife and Pastor ( ) either directly by phone, by mail or through your husband. We have tried to show concern for you. Secondly, I rarely call a woman for or about anything. Thirdly, I have been very cautious about ministry problems; giving my time to the living and not the dying.

If you have an issue with me, the appropriate thing would have been to bring it to me.

You walked out of this ministry with no word or explanation. An ordained minister by definition is a “mature one.” You should be focusing in on what you did and how you did it rather than being upset with me for what you think I should have done. I am disappointed in your behavior.

The Holy Spirit has revealed more to me about your situation than you may be aware of.

I do love and pray for you.

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There was absolutely no validity to a single issue...not one. And at no time was I contacted by anyone. My absence had nothing to do with the church...it had everything to do with my abuser. He said "The Holy Spirit has revealed more to me about your situation than you may be aware of." I was left to wonder, if the Holy Spirit, indeed, had revealed anything to him...why he didn't seek to intervene.

Another letter he'd written me of a perceived wrong doing on my part...I was not even within the United States. However, no one bothered to check his or her facts. When it was discovered that I wasn't even in the country...no apology was offered...no anything.

It took many months working with the Assault Counselor to finally come to realize that the abuse was not my fault, and that the church I was a part of was "toxic". Numerous times, the Assault Counselor would ask me "What church did you come from?" I never answered her, although she asked me at each session. Finally, during our last session, she asked again. This time, I asked her why she wanted to know this information. She said,"I want to make sure we don't refer any of our clients there." This was the only reason, I did tell her. When I told her, she nodded her head...as she had heard the name of this church before.

There are enormous resources available to help those of you in crisis. I simply wanted to let you know that your help may not come from where you think it will. However, don't give up and certainly don't back down...as there is help! I have some resource contacts on my site.

Help also comes in unexpected ways. This is what taught me that a 'coincidence is when the Lord decides to remain anonymous'.

If I could reach out and (((hug))) each one of you, I'd do it. Be reminded that you are being prayed for by an army of women that care!

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"Beaten Down With Both Fists & Words"

2008-05-20T23:18:00.011-04:00

Rarely have I ever done an article back to back. There are so many emails I receive regarding each article I've written, that I've purposely left them up for about a week before writing a new one. However, due to some of the most ridiculous "comments" I've gotten, I decided to go ahead and post back to back.

It's my desire to let my readers know of some of the mean spirited and ignorant "comments's" that come my way. Some even cloak their disdain for women by quoting the Bible. Now, I do need to let you know for each one I allow to be published there are about a dozen others like it, that I cannot publish as they are just too vile.

There is a serious "disconnect" between the description of Domestic Abuse/Assault and the description within the minds of the abusers. Below I'm going to copy verbatim just a few of the "comments" that I did allow to be published on my blog. Once you read them, you too, will see the irrational thinking between truth and reality. It's not rocket science to understand that abuse is always wrong...no shades of gray. The Lord would never condone this violence upon any of His children.
-------------------------------------

said...

women ane kids are mens propirty

April 10, 2008 7:28 PM

said...

You are helping to break up familes. The man is the head of the house not the wife. The wife and kids belong to the man. Men have a rite to hit her if she disobeys. you need to educate yourself on facts!

April 16, 2008 9:26 PM

said...

why dont you keep your trap shut all your doing is making more troubel

April 25, 2008 9:45 PM

said...

I think you have a big mouth and understand nothing of the relationship between men and women. The woman is to be subject to the man. This is not knew information. You forget that its the man that takes care of his female. It's her job to take care of him.

May 3, 2008 1:59 PM

said...

your stupid and need to keep your big mouth shut. you must not have a man in your life becausw if you did you wouldn’t be talking such trash

May 9, 2008 5:05 AM

said...

you are a foolish woman thinking that you are not the property of a man. But you probably don't even have a man in your pathetic littel life.

May 20, 2008 10:29 PM

Anonymous said...

Do yourself a favor and keep your pie hole shut. Giving women information is only going to get them into more trouble. You need to uderstand that according to the bible they are to be in subjection to their husbands.

May 22, 2008 7:35 AM

I made the decision to not change so much as a word. I left in the spelling and grammar errors.
Those of you that have been reading this blog all along also know the "comments" I receive from numerous women that tell me their churches are not helping. You also tell me that the medical profession has let you down as well.

Many of you have told me that when asked "Are you living in a safe environment?" You are asked this question with your abuser present, and rarely, if ever does the intake/triage nurse even look up at you from the keyboard when addressing you.

I must confess that this has happened to me, too...and more times than I can count. A couple articles back I relayed to you exactly what happened to me when I was going in for (what I thought would be) outpatient surgery. It was beyond outrageous! If you hadn't read it, I encourage you to do so.

I've located a profound truth in the movie titled "The Great Debaters":

Who is the Judge?
The judge is God!
Why is it God?
Because HE decides who wins or looses, not my opponent.
Who is your opponent?
He doesn’t exist.
Why doesn’t he exist?
He is merely a dissenting voice to the truth I speak.
Speak the truth!

So, to those of you out there who have heard from anyone* that : you don't support your husband, you need to stick it out, if you follow your mate this wouldn't have happened, you need to adapt yourself to your husband's plans, you have no Biblical right to seek a divorce, you've provoked him to anger or any other comment that keeps you in the bondage of violence and emotional cruelty you can look your oppressor in the eye and believe that God knows who's right and who's wrong. They* are merely a dissenting voice to THE TRUTH YOU SPEAK! Therefore, to you these people do not exist. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem.

* Church leaders, neighbors, family, do-gooders, medical professionals, your own self-doubt and anyone that's not walked in your shoes.

You already know how I'm going to close this article...I wish I could reach out and (((Hug))) each and every one of you that are hurting.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"There Is A Language To Tears"

2008-05-20T14:19:00.017-04:00

Many years ago I learned that there is a "language" to tears. It was while attending Bible college that I learned that the Lord understands the "language" of tears we shed.

So often the tears of fear, frustration, loneliness, isolation, regret and most of all, tears of believing that nothing could truly ever change for me, regarding the years of abuse I'd been accustomed...led to deep despair.

After all, I had already gone to those in leadership above me within the church. Hadn't I been told that it was me that must be doing something to provoke him? I believed this, and set out to be the "perfect wife". Although, his out of control fits of anger were well known even in board meetings---and always excused his behavior as "That's just the way he is".

Needless to say, there is no such thing as being "perfect" at anything. Even though I was trying my best to be the "perfect" wife...I had once forgotten to turn out the light in the garage. So enraged he'd become that he threw a hammer at me, fracturing my jaw. There are literally dozens of instances I could give to validate that being "perfect" has no bearing upon someone that decides to become angry.

Recently, I came across some information that surprised even me, it has to so with stalking. Due to the fact I'm considered highly educated, I thought I could depend on my natural abilities. It was pointed out, that often those are the very ones that make the easier targets! The article below comes from "No Nonsense Self-Defense" written by Marc & Dianna Mac Young. This is not the article in it's entirety, but dealt with the subject matter I brought up within this post.

-------------------

DON'T Try to handle it yourself

This is THE most common mistake women make when it comes to stalkers. Bottom line here, if the guy
a) didn't already know he could take you
b) was afraid of you and what you can do, and
c) wasn't pretty sure he could get away with it --

HE WOULDN'T BE DOING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

While it is terrifying to believe so, such a person has been studying you like an insect. He knows your strengths, weaknesses, blind-spots, emotional reactions and what lengths you are willing to go to better than you do. That is because he has been studying you, testing you and training you like a dog to react a certain way. And that is no exaggeration, such people are expert manipulators and usually have a long time dealing with you before the problems became this severe. You are playing against a stacked deck already. No matter how confident, self-assured or competent you think yourself, realize that he knows your strengths and weaknesses before hand and is building his strategy around that knowledge. You have been the victim of a prolonged interview that is now escalating.

If he even thought you had what it takes to wait in the shadows near his front door with a shotgun he wouldn't be doing it. Not that we are recommending this course of action, but stalkers do know who not to mess with).

In fact, women who are generally competent and professional in their lives are MORE likely to be stalked! That is because while they are competent and confident in "civilized" dealings with men, this is a situation where the normal social conventions (which provide a significant leveling influence) simply don't exist. Being suddenly cast adrift in shark infested waters is frustrating, terrifying and unknown. And that is exactly what he wants you to feel.

Remember stalkers think of themselves as "laws unto themselves." In order to maintain this delusion they need to operate in isolation. That is to say they need to find people who are too proud to ask for help and will foolishly attempt to handle the problem by themselves. It is the woman's pride, confidence in herself and her abilities -- and her shame for "finding myself in such a stupid situation" that keeps her from immediately seeking outside help. (This described me perfectly)

And those are the very things the stalker is relying on you to do so he can keep on doing what he is doing.

That is why you need to call in the cavalry and as much reinforcements as you can. And that means, police, lawyers, friends and neighbors. Also realize that this situation is going to cost you...self-defense courses, training, lawyers, court fees and possibly moving and changing jobs.

There is no easy answer to this problem. It's a long time coming and it will be a long time going.

----------------

Tears were a daily occurrence for me...often there would be several outbursts of tears. As hard as I tried, I could not hold them back. Yet, each time I wept, I made sure I was alone and no one could hear me.

One day, while weeping, I was reminded that the Lord understands the "language" of our tears. Suddenly all the tears I'd shed, allowed me to know that nothing had escaped the hearing of the Lord and He was well able to bring me to freedom. This is exactly what happened.

Those of you that have been following these articles since I first began this 'blog' know exactly what I'm referring to, so there's no need to repeat myself. Those of you who are unfamiliar with all that's been written to this point, I encourage you to do so. I'm sure it will uplift your hearts to "see" that no matter how dark it may seem for you...there is "One" that cares and will will bring you to a place of safety.

Again, more than anything else, I wish I could give each and every one of you that are hurting a big (((Hug))). Since that's impossible, be reminded that there is an army of women that read your comments and are praying for you on a daily basis.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"Why Won't Anyone Listen?"

2008-05-08T06:35:00.011-04:00

The below statement was taken from "Stalking (Part 2) Victims' Problems with The Legal System & Therapeutic Consideration.
--------------------------------

"Law-enforcement insensitivity toward domestic violence has already been well documented. Police often feel that, as opposed to serious crimes such as murder, domestic issues are not an appropriate police responsibility; 'private' misconduct should not be subject to public intervention, and, because few cases result in successful prosecution, pursuing domestic violence complaints is ultimately futile… This sense of futility, reinforced by the media and the courts, may be transmitted to the victim.
In cases involving ex-lovers, the police may have equal difficulty in being sympathetic to the issues involved. As in the case of Ms A, society often views stalking as a normal infatuation that will eventually resolve itself or as the actions of a rejected lover or lovesick individual, more to be empathised with than censured . Victims often report feeling that the police and society blame them for provoking harassment or making poor choices in relationships. Authorities may have particular difficulty understanding the woman who continues to have ambivalent feelings toward the offender…
In terms of the laws themselves, there is a history of ineffectiveness in dealing with crimes of stalking . The nature of the offences themselves makes investigations and prosecution difficult, because surveillance and phone calls often have no witnesses. Barriers to victims using civil actions against stalkers include dangerous time delays and financial requirements. Temporary restraining orders or peace bonds have been used most commonly and are generally ineffective, partly because law-enforcement agencies have limited resources to enforce such measures. Even if caught, violators receive, at most, minimal jail time or minor monetary penalties. Sometimes the offender just waits out the short duration of the order. Persistent, obsessed stalkers are usually not deterred."
---------------------------------------
By no means, am I using this statement to suggest that the law enforcement officials are falling short in their duty to "serve and protect". I wanted to post this in answer to the questions many of you have asked and statements of frustrations you've told me regarding the lack of understanding you receive.

The other big obstacle I'm hearing from a vast number of you, is the lack of help you're not receiving from your local churches. There have been emails sent to me from Alaska to Florida with very similar testimony. I'm told that because you're a woman, it's assumed there must be something lacking in you that is provoking abuse. Until it happened to me, too, I think I'd have had a difficult time believing that.

Especially since I was in a leadership position within my local church, I thought surely I would be taken seriously and listened to. However, in reality, it was quite the opposite. It was told to me that since my abuser (now ex-husband) was attending church and I was not...that my relationship with the Lord was called into question and was told that I "needed to adapt myself to my husband's plans".

In earlier posts I went into considerable detail concerning me personally with my local church. If you hadn't read those particular posts, please, take the time to do so. The lack of consideration to so much as "listen" added emotional pain on top of everything else that was taking place within my home.

Yesterday, I was at the doctor's office, when in walked a member from my (former) "church". She is someone I'd known for over 20 years. She appeared to be so happy to see me, and told me how much she missed me. Next she let me know that she didn't know why I had gotten divorced. I let her know that it was due to years of domestic abuse. As soon as she heard that, she suddenly got busy looking through the magazine she had picked up when she walked into the office. This was further indication that there's a serious disconnect with some "professing" one thing, yet, doing quite the opposite. Please, do not think I'm saying all churches are like this...as I know for a fact they aren't. Although, my own "church" were I'd served in leadership for well over two decades did NOTHING to help me. Again, I went into considerable detail on this in previous posts. Please, if you hadn't read them, I encourage you to do so.

There was one church that helped. It was a mainline denomination. They didn't care that I wasn't a member. They never asked for details. What they did do, was see that I was in a crisis in needing food (after I had left the "safe-house")...and did what they could to help. Each time I went there, I was treated with dignity and respect. Then the receptionist asked if I'd like to see the pastor. Strictly out of courtesy, I said OK. This pastor was nothing like the pastor's I'd been used to. He asked me if I had any outstanding bills. When I told him yes...he asked me to bring them to him the next day. When I showed up the next day with those bills...he wrote checks for them immediately...no questions asked. Their willingness to "listen" is what started me in the direction in the healing of my wounded heart.

I'm going to copy a comment left by someone on the previous post. The author, is obviously someone that has a heart that understands and perfectly illustrated the absurdity of the 'mind set' of the abuser.
-----------------------------
Anonymous said...
As a father of a young daughter, I must object to some of these comments from bible quoting individuals Women must submit? To what? broken bones, black eyes, shattered self esteem, endless trips to the hospital. What Lord do you pray to? Tell me something why don't you then tell the Doctor that "you were correcting you partner's deficient attitude?" You could not even pass that off in church if you brought her there instead of the emergency room. If I made such comments that "women are men's property" or that "The woman is to be subject to the man. This is not new information. You forget that its the man that takes care of his female. It's her job to take care of him",I would be ashamed to have a y chromosome. If my male gene constitutes the right for me to force submission then what sort of man would I be? Experience tells us that cooperation between partners is the most effective way to achieve a satisfying relationship. Ask yourself this is, if you achieve your means by striking fear into an individual how secure are you? It is most likely your insecurity that causes you to want to dominate someone else. The Lord God never intended such violence. "Blessed are the peace makers for they shall see God."
____________________________________________

The individual that wrote this comment, truly, does "listen" and understands. I want to encourage you, that although you may have run into 'road blocks' in finding someone that will really listen and offer help...there IS help available. The first step in receiving that help is to tell someone.

Numerous times I've let you know that there is an army of individuals that pray for the readers of this blog site. They are connected to you through their prayer support...never forget that. More than anything else, I wish I could give each and every one of you a big (((HUG))).

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"Remaining Safe...Until You Leave"

2008-05-02T08:24:00.009-04:00

Looking back, prior, to having to flee my home, there are so many questions I wish I'd have known to ask. One mistake I continually made with my abuser, was when I was trying to avoid being physically or verbally abused, I'd try and run into another room. To my own hurt, I'd usually run into the kitchen, or bathroom.

Now I know those were two of the worse places to run...there are numerous things in there that can be used as weapons. Another place I would try and run, was the garage...another big mistake. Then there was the time I was attempting to run out the door, while being chased. The fear produced the running and the running caused a bad fall from the porch resulting in numerous fractures...another bad idea.

So many of you that email me are asking similar questions. Since most of the questions are regarding "how" to stay safe until you leave, is the reason for this article. Keep in mind, that you all have variations to your particular situation and must 'tailor' the information given to meet your personal situation. I've gathered some very helpful information from a variety of sources. Each article I write I'll be sharing more and more.

If any of you are thinking that things can never change for you , that simply is not true. Take a look at some of the comments that are in the 'comment section' after each article. You'll see that there are ways for you to finally become free. The information below is from the Sequoyah County Sheriff's Department.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ARE YOU ABUSED?
Does the Person You Love…
· “Track” all of your time and activities?
· Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
· Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
· Prevent you from working or attending school?
· Criticize you for little things?
· Anger easily when drinking or on drugs?
· Control finances and force you to account for what you spend?
· Humiliate you in front of others?
· Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
· Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or your children?
· Threaten to hurt you or your children?
· Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
· Force you to have sex against your will?

ZERO TOLERANCE
THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE
*********************************
*********************************
MYTHS vs. FACTS
About abuse
Myth: Violence in families affects only a small percentage of the population.
Fact: 2-4 million women are beaten every year; in Oklahoma, 340,000 women are beaten on a regular basis every year; the FBI says that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds in the United States.
Myth: Poor families are more likely to experience violence than middle income and affluent families.
Fact: Violence in families crosses all economic, class, race, and educational levels.
Myth: Drinking causes violent behavior.
Fact: Although drinking and/or drug abuse are present in over half of all violent incidents, abusive behavior will not stop when substance abuse stops. Alcohol and drugs may lower inhibitions permitting more aggressive behavior.
Myth: Wife abuse doesn’t cause serious injuries.
Fact: 40% of women killed in the United States are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends. Emergency rooms report that the majority of cases of women seeking treatment for injuries are the result of abuse.
Myth: Religious faith prevents violence in families.
Fact: Persons of faith are no less vulnerable to abusive relationships than the general population. In some cases, religious beliefs are used by the abusers to justify their forceful and controlling behavior, and to obligate victims to remain in destructive situations that threaten their physical safety and emotional well-being.
Myth: Children need their father even if he is abusive.
Fact: Children need a stable, nurturing environment, free of fear and chaos, in which their self esteem will be preserved and enhanced.
Myth: Witnessing abuse doesn’t affect children.
Fact: Children who witness violence are 700 times more likely to abuse or be abused as adults than children who grow up in non-violent homes.
Myth: Once a batterer, always a batterer.
Fact: Battering is learned behavior and it can be changed. Help is available.
Myth: A battered woman can always leave home.
Fact: There is no law compelling a battered woman to remain in an abusive situation. However, there are a number of reasons that make leaving extremely difficult.
Myth: There is no help available for a woman wanting to get out of an abusive relationship. There is no place available to help her and her children.
Fact: Help is available. No woman has to remain in an abusive relationship because she has no place to go and no money to go. Any sheriff’s office or police department can help a woman obtain this assistance.
THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!
********************************
********************************
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFETY PLAN
You Have a Right to be Safe.
SAFETY DURING AN EXPLOSIVE INCIDENT
A. If an argument seems unavoidable, try to have it in a room or area where you have access to an exit. Try to stay away from the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom or anywhere else weapons might be available.
B. Practice how to get out of your home safely. Identify which doors, windows, elevator, or stairwell would be the best.
C. Have a packed bag ready and keep it at a relative’s or friend’s home in order to leave quickly.
D. Identify one or more neighbors you can tell about the violence and ask that they call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.
E. Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends and neighbors when you need the police.
F. Decide and plan for where you will go, if you have to leave home (even if you don’t think you will need to.)
G. Use your own instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving the abuser what he wants to calm him down. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
H. Always remember – YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HIT OR THREATENED!
SAFETY WHEN PREPARING TO LEAVE
A. Open a savings account and/or credit card in your own name to start to establish or increase your independence. Think of other ways in which you can increase your independence.
B. Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, extra medicines and clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
C. Determine who would be able to let you stay with them or lend you some money.
D. Keep the shelter or hotline phone number close at hand and keep some change or a calling card on you at all times for emergency phone calls.
E. Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer. REMEMBER – LEAVING YOUR BATTERER IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME.
SAFETY IN YOUR OWN HOME
A. Change the locks on your doors as soon as possible. Give a copy to a trusted neighbor or family member.
B. Call the police if your partner breaks the protective order.
C. Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
D. Inform family, friends, neighbors and your physical or health care provider that you have a protective order in effect.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to close this article by saying I'm well versed (now that I'm free) on all the information I just posted. However, I want to make it crystal clear that it's not always as "black & white" as most portray it to be. There are variants on EVERY situation...so keep in mind you must 'tailor' your specific needs around the information provided. Above all else, never feel you are alone in this, because you are not. There is an army of women that read your comments for the specific purpose of praying for you.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

An Unexpected Weapon..."A Pineapple"

2008-04-22T13:37:00.013-04:00

The experience I'm about to share took place six years ago. Although I was married to an abuser, I still had a wonderful position within an amazing company. My desire to represent my company with professionalism, I chose to always dress in a business suit. It is to my former employer that I dedicate this article.

My abuser held me to very strict time lines. I would arrive home exactly 12 minutes after leaving the office. If he wanted me to pick some things up at the store...that too was timed.

One particular day, as I was leaving for the office, he handed me a list of items he wanted me to pick up after work. He told me that it would only take 45 minutes...and I was to be home no later than he demanded.

After work I went immediately to the grocery store. This store was a large chain grocery store. I was in a hurry, and needing to find everything on the list I'd been given and get home at the designated time.

I was in the fresh fruit and produce area. I leaned over a bit to look at the pineapples. As I leaned over, a man came up from behind me and rubbed himself against me, as he spoke his filth into my ear. My first reaction was immediate fear. Yet, I was also thinking about the time! I had to get the shopping done and get home or else face the "consequences" of my abuser.

With this in mind, I was more fearful of the abuser than I was this pervert at the grocery store. I had a pineapple in my hand. I grabbed that pineapple with both hands...spun around and hit him as hard as I could using that pineapple as a weapon. He was definitely not expecting this.

The blow with the pineapple hit him on the side of his face so hard that it had broken his glasses and sent him reeling backwards. He began to shout at me, that I'd broken his glasses. His shouting brought security immediately to the area we both were. There was an immediate welt from the side of his face all the way to his ear.

The security person asked what had happened. The pervert told him I had broken his glasses. Immediately, I began to let the security person know how & why... I smacked him on the side of the head with the pineapple...as I was speaking a woman came to where we were standing. It became apparent that this woman was the wife of the pervert. She was glaring at him in a way that gave the impression that this was not the first time he'd done such a vile thing.

The security person asked if I wanted to press charges, I said "No". It would have taken time to do this and I had to get home. Yet, the look on his wife's face let me know that this fool was in big trouble with her. I can only imagine their conversation when they got back home.

As I drove home, I cannot describe the emotion I felt. Being able to stand up for myself was empowering...even though it only lasted a moment. After all, I was now driving home to the abuser. I was on time, and gotten everything on his list. Of course, I never told him of this incident. He would have told me that I must have done something to produce his advances.

However, I did share this incident with a couple colleagues. At that time, they were unaware of the abuse taking place in my own home. They also told me it took a bit of bravery to do such a thing. I couldn't tell them that it wasn't bravery...but fear of my abuser if I'd have been late arriving home.

The information below is from "Helpguide.org". I trust it will bring some clarity to the very confusing situation you find yourself dealing with. Please know that you are NOT alone in this.

_______________________________________________________

Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It never failed that every time I was beaten, punched, kicked or slapped...he always let me know that he had no control over his actions. For many years I believed this. It was the wonderful staff at the women's center that finally let me see the truth. Yet, deep down him telling me he had no control...didn't "ring true" within my heart. I had witnessed hundreds of times that he could "put on a happy face" if anyone came to the door or called for him.

There are many of you that use my "contact" email address. The heartache and pain you share with me, grieves me to my very soul. I've chosen to "moderate all comments" as I would never want anything published on this blog that is identifiable. Many of you are asking the same questions. With each article I write I will be addressing those questions. The information above pertains to questions several of you asked.

So many of you tell me that your abuser tells you he can't control himself. That is just a plain LIE! It took me over two decades to learn the truth of this...which is why I chose to share this information with you now. He most definitely has control...and don't believe otherwise for a single moment...and it is NOT your fault. Abuser are masters of control and manipulation. One of their biggest weapons is fear.

Again, be reminded that you are loved...and there is an army of women that are praying for you as they read your comments and the articles I post. If I could, I'd reach out and (((Hug))) each one of you.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"I Got Flowers Today"...A Poem

2008-04-15T20:47:00.009-04:00

This is a poem I found long ago. There is no name attached as to who the author is but I felt it appropriate for this topic. The poem is as follows:

"I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.

We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.

I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any special day.

Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.

I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today, and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.

Last night he beat me up again, and it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.

But I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day.

It was the day of my funeral.

Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death.

If only I had gathered the courage and strength to leave him.

I would not have gotten flowers today".
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There are three primary parts of domestic violence. What I'm going to share comes from "Cycle of Violence"...again I don't recall it's original source. Yet, it's something I was given when I first sought help through the women's shelter.

1) Increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing.

2) Battering, hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, use of objects or weapons. Sexual abuse. Verbal threats and abuse.

3) Calm stage (this may decrease over time) He may deny violence, say he was drunk, say he didn't mean it, say he's sorry, and promises it will never happen again.
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Many times over these last few weeks, I've implored you to let someone know you are in a crisis situation. Yet, the amount of emails I'm receiving is confirming the vast majority are not doing this. There are various reasons that you are telling me for not doing so...and I understand.

My own personal experience let's me see that your reasons for not doing so are valid. However, now that I'm on this 'side' of the cycle of domestic violence, I can see some options that were available that I didn't take advantage of. Don't make the same mistakes that I did.

More times than I can count, I had to seek immediate health care. There was never a single time I was asked by a health care professional while ALONE..."are you living in a safe environment?". If it wasn't my abuser that drove me to the Emergency Department of the local hospital, it was one of his relatives (usually a female). It made no difference if the abuser was there or not...as whoever it happened to be that drove me...they were always in the room.

It's not rocket science to know that I answered, "Yes, I'm in a safe environment". We must do whatever it takes to get that health care provider...ALONE! Let them know that you need help and it needs to be now...not later. There may not be a "later".

I know that there are measures built into the health care system to help those in abusive relationships...yet, personal experience has taught me that just because it's "built in" doesn't mean it's followed.

Recently, I wrote about the need for additional surgery. I've also told my readers that I am remarried (almost 2 years now). You cannot imagine the shock I had when I went to the hospital this last time. When my husband and I went to registration to 'check-in', they still had my old information on the "face sheet" with the number of my abuser!

My husband and I both were livid. My husband told the person at registration that this was supposed to have been changed almost 3 years ago. She assured us that it had been changed in their system. My husband demanded that she print out a new "face sheet" to verify what she had just said. When she printed out that new "face sheet"...it was still the same. The information within their system had NOT been changed.

The sudden panic that hit me felt as if I'd been kicked. We were ushered into a different waiting area. This is where we stayed until I was called to go into the "prep area" before my procedure began. I felt victimized all over again. However, my husband's continued insistence proved to be of great benefit. Before I left the hospital they...finally... they had removed all old information off my medical chart. Why did it take almost 3 years to do this?

The only thing I can think of is it was not of importance. If it had been, it'd have been removed when I entered the "safe house". When I entered the "safe house" it was discovered that I needed surgery. My case manager called my physician and let him know where I was and the reason why. She had also called the hospital and let them know, too. I was to receive a call from the hospital later that day to let me know the exact time I should arrive and which entrance to use.

When no call came, I let my case manager know this. She suggested to me that I should call them. You can imagine my shock when I was told that they did call. They let my husband (abuser) know what time to have me there and which entrance to use. This was in 2005!

You can understand why I was so upset when now, in 2008, they still had the wrong information. Please understand, I am in no way saying it's like this all over. I'm simply letting you know of my personal experience. This is the reason I caution you...make sure health care facilities know what your situation is...check...double check...and triple check, if need be. Don't get caught off guard as I did.

It may seem extreme that after almost 3 years they had the same obsolete information...but they did. If it hadn't happened to me, I may have had a difficult time believing it. Yet, I must say that my new husband's insistence made all the difference in the world...as I was so panicked, I could hardly speak.

Well, it's getting late and I need to stop for now...but not before I remind you that you are being prayed for. There are a vast number of women that I'm connected to, they also read your comments. Their hearts are connected to you. We are committed to your safety and well-being.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

Calming Rough Seas & Flattening Mountains Are Possible!

2008-04-06T21:03:00.009-04:00

Getting Ready to Leave

Keep any evidence you can of physical abuse. Make sure to keep this evidence in a safe place that your abuser will not find. This might include:

Any pictures you have of bruises or other injuries. If you're taking pictures of your injuries, try to have these pictures dated.

Any torn clothing

Any household objects that your abuser tore or broke.

Any pictures that show your home is destroyed or messed up after violence happened.

Any records that you have from doctors or the police that document the abuse.

Keeping a journal about the abuse. Write down how he abused you, any way that he threatened you, and when these things happened.

Anything else you think could help show that you've been abused.

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The above information was taken from a web site that also deals with helping those that are in abusive relationships. From time to time, I will post other information that is in response to the questions I receive from many of you. Many ask the same questions. This lets me know that most of you feel totally alone, and with no one to talk to.

The feelings of isolation, fear and shame...I am well acquainted with. These were my constant companions for over two decades. Never, did I really believe things would ever change for me. How could they? I was the one that people came to with their problems. I was a leader, teacher, public speaker, fund raiser...successful and well respected. Yet, the shame and isolation I felt at home was overwhelming. Domestic abuse is an equal opportunity crime. It goes across all racial, ethnic, socio-economical and religious/atheist backgrounds.

I still marvel at the level I was able to function in the midst of almost 25 years of abuse. The only thing I can attribute this to is the hand of the Lord was surely upon me. There is simply no other explanation. Plus, all the traveling abroad for well over a decade. These projects were very successful. The nations and people I got to meet over so many years...are a part of the very fabric of my soul. This is a love that was not born of my own efforts...it was a "gift" for which I am extremely grateful.

If there had to be only one thing I could say I learned it would be this...in spite of your own pain, we can still be a channel of love and blessing to others. I remember a quote by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. He said "Undeserved suffering is always redemptive". This I have found though life experience is a fact. Another thing Dr. King said is "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere".

Domestic violence is "undeserved suffering" and also "injustice". We need to be reminded that we are not alone like we think we are. There are many that ache to be of help. Recently, I received a comment from a physician. You can read it on the "comment" section of the post "My Mind Was Screaming "FIRE!" This physician said "the silence ties our hands". Read his comment...he was letting us know that above all else we must tell someone.

So many of you don't feel safe enough for me to return your emails. The grief I share with you over this is deep. This is the reason I've added the hot line links for you. I wish I could just reach out to all of you that have such a wounded heart...and give you a (((hug))).

Some of you have asked if "everything has smoothed out" in my own life. No, it has not. Although I am remarried to a marvelous man, my former abuser is still in "contempt of court". He did not do as the judge ordered during the divorce proceeding. This has put a heavy burden on me. There is nothing I can do at the time. There are also several significant health issues I'm dealing with...some the direct result of the years of abuse.

Another thing several of you asked was if I was "still sad". No, I'm not sad. I prefer not to waste time being sad or depressed. There are too many others that need a "hand up" to get out of the abusive situations they find themselves. I've had my feet planted on both sides of that fence. Being on "this side of the fence" is much better. Yet, you all know that I didn't get here by myself. There was an army of individuals along the way that helped.

The one thing that surprised me was that my help did NOT come from where I thought it would. Like my church...I was part of leadership for two decades. I won't go into detail again, as I revealed much of this in earlier posts. My help came from unexpected sources. While I was teaching one of the things I was always saying "The Lord has His people placed in strategic places"...however, I had no clue that I was teaching that to myself...first.

Due to the lateness of the hour, I will say good night for now. Yet, be confident that there are so many praying for those of you in crisis situation...including myself. I get emails from friends & colleagues that read your comments. These have found a place of lodging within the hearts of many. Don't feel alone...as your Helper is by your side.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

My Mind Was Screaming "FIRE!"

2008-04-03T23:24:00.010-04:00

Fire always represents a very real and immediate danger. Do you know what to do if your way of escape is blocked? Would you grab anything as you tried to run? If so, what would that be? Your mind would be racing into a thousand different directions. What about the kids! Are they aware of the danger? Why, oh why, didn't we "plan" a way out of a situation like this?!? I was always my intention to sit down and make a plan, go over the details with the kids...but I never did it.

Thankfully, reading this will give you the encouragement needed to put a plan into place. However, before I go further, you need to know that I see the "abuser" like I see a "FIRE!". Fire can be a life threatening event. When you look at the "abuser" as you would a fire...you'd be surprised how many things you could think of needing to get into place in the event an immediate departure became necessary.

Trying to put things in order to share with you on this topic is no small task. There are dozens of things to be said, yet for now I'll share the few that were said to me over & over again by a wise counselor. Please be aware that each of us would need to "tailor" certain things to our particular situations. Once I sought shelter within the "safe house" I saw just how different each situation really was....as different as day is to night.

I was told to make sure I kept (at all times) a minimum of $10...and in a place where the abuser won't find it. Make sure I had an extra key for the car and put it in a safe place. Make sure you know exactly where your driver's license, passport, social security card, etc. are...but most importantly, keep them where you can grab them in a hurry. Personally, there were some medical documents I had to have when I left.
There are many variables on what is an immediate need to each individual.

What would you do if your way of escape was blocked? Every residence is different, so what may work for one, may not necessarily work for another. Yet, these are things you can plan for now...before it's too late. I've learned that if you have to "take time to get ready...it's already too late". Have a plan in place now.

I've gotten emails from many of you asking similar questions. Many of you do not want me to return your email with an answer/suggestion for fear someone else may read your email. This lets me know that you don't have a private email account. So, I'll try and answer as many questions within the posts I'll write.

Concerning the email issue: If you are fearful that your email may be read, open an email account of your own. You can use "Yahoo", "Gmail", Hotmail", etc...these are free! If you don't want to use your home computer, you can use one at the library, Internet cafe and even some community education centers allow you to use their computers. There are even some office supply stores that allow you to use a computer...but here it may cost, yet it is safe! The one that comes to mind is "Kinkos". However, if you are one of the more fortunate ones, you may have a family member, friend or colleague that you can trust. Perhaps, they will allow you to create an email account using their computer. You must have a way to communicate freely within a safe environment.

Say for instance you have AOL as an internet provider...you can still open up a "Yahoo", etc. email account, as it's separate from AOL. The scary part is that none of us know whether or not the "abuser" has installed a "keylogger" on the home computer. That would allow the "abuser" to see every key stroke you make. There have been two readers of this blog that told me this happened to them. I was asked if this was done to me. No, this is not something I had to deal with. Yet, I must confess, just the thought of it, causes me to cringe.

You can also make sure your web sites viewed/history etc., is deleted...yet, I was told that someone with the 'know how' could recover this. If any of you know about this and how something is recovered once it's been deleted..let me know. Another important thing to have is you personal phone book...numbers for your doctor, the schools, family members & friends. If there's only one...get it copied it.

Are there any medications you are taking? What about for the kids? Make a list of what these medications are, strengths, and dosing instructions. Make sure you know how to scoop those medications up in a hurry. With the kids you can make it a 'drill' in case of fire, they look at this like a game. No need to tell them it may be used for a different thing altogether. Make sure each child understands exactly what to do if you yell, "Fire!"

Above all else tell someone. The staff at the women's shelters are such an awesome resource. Many women go there to learn the "how do I leave" information. There are things they told me ahead of time...that empowered me when I did have to flee my home. At least I knew what to grab...as it was prepared ahead of time. I even had all my necessary documents in my combination locked briefcase.

Looking back, there were some things I wish I had known...if I had asked the right questions it would have made a huge difference. Yet, the things I did learn ahead of time, was literally a life saver.

Much of the time from leaving my home and arriving at the "safe house" is a bit fuzzy. The emotional stress, of feeling as if everything had caved in on me...was devastating. It seemed as if I was operating on "auto-pilot". Due to the counseling I'd received...it appeared I had the basics down perfectly. I had actually made a list of what I was told. A literal list! There was no way I could trust myself to remember so much information that was so foreign to me.

One thing that was a drawback for me, was the fact I had no family living within 200 miles. One of my closest friends...as close as a sister---lived in the northeast. The one female friend I trusted most (here locally)...for almost 20 years...let me know that both she and her husband were well aware of the abuse (as was most other leadership). She & I talked for almost 5 hours. She assured me that they would help me get out...comforting me with her words of encouragement. We cried together and she told me she loved me like her own sister. Before she left she hugged me and again let me know "everything will work out". Hearing her promise of help, was like a lead weight had been lifted off me. A bit of springlike breeze seemed to be whirling all around me...as prior to this 5 hour visit, I was feeling both isolated and shamed,

However, the very next day she called me and let me know that since she and her husband were both in the same level of leadership within the church as we were...they thought it best not to get involved. When I heard her words, I suddenly was unable to breathe, the room seemed to be spinning...nor could I get up from the chair I was sitting. I hung up the phone and cried for almost three straight hours. Isn't this exactly where my help should come from? Plus, the fact our friendship was so close, she had even asked me to attend during the birth of their second child. This friendship spanned almost two decades. Yet, now I felt totally abandoned.

I must tell you about my attorney. She was a godsend. It was through her, too, that made what I would call an 'outline' of exactly what to do and in which order to get these things completed. I told her at the time, I'd do exactly as she recommended (as I certainly couldn't trust myself...as I had no clue where to begin). I kept my word. My gratitude to her could never be repaid in 10 lifetimes. She was not only my attorney, but is now a friend. My admiration of her is abundant. Her caring and compassion was evident from the moment I met her. It is to her that I dedicate this post. She is far more than an attorney...she is a shining example of "doing what your hands find to do"...whether it is helping to paint someone else's business, or traveling overseas going into a war torn nation...to help on various projects. I told my Mom when I grow up, I'd like to be like my attorney :)

Well, it's getting very late and this lady is tired...but before I go, let me leave you with something I was told years ago...'never say more than what YOU are comfortable saying".

Kindest Regards Always,

Kathryn

"Reflections: The Night Before Out-Patient Surgery"

2008-03-26T17:49:00.011-04:00

There are so many things flooding my mind right now. The emails that I've received from many of you, have caused weeping again. Each time I'm reminded of the isolation, pain, humiliation and indignity that abuse brings...it causes me to "go back" again into the hell that I was once living. This time, however, my reasons for "going back" are not for me, but for those I desire to be of some comfort.

Underneath the differences of 'outward' appearance, we are all sisters. The exact circumstances of our lives may be different, but being a victim of abuse...brings a deep level of "sisterhood". Just learning that I was not alone (as I definitely believed) was a weight off my shoulders. Once I was in the "safe house", I learned a lot.

The women that I shared this home with, were all victims of domestic assault. Many of them had small children. The fear and uncertainty on the faces of those children, I'll never forget. The "safe house" was set up for children. Much play area, both inside and outside. Of course, the outside area was completely surrounded by a large wood privacy fence. The kids also had a huge variety of toys, games, puzzles and there was also a computer room for them. This was a real place of safety!

When I first step foot in this house, the thing that I was immediately made aware of was that I was SAFE! I remember thinking it'd be easier to get into Ft. Knox. Yet, in spite of the safety, the stories of each woman were as different as night is from day. The one common factor was that we were all there for the same reason. We were all victims of abuse. This was a house of "healing"

Tomorrow I go to the hospital for an out-patient procedure. Hopefully, it really will be "out-patient"...as this has not always been the case with me. Many of the medical issues I deal with now are a result of the years of physical abuse.

There is a bit of critical information I'd like to share with you. I learned this from one of my sisters...who learned it the hard way. When a husband/significant other...knows your personal information: social security number, mother's maiden name, father's middle name, etc., etc., etc....it is often easy for them to get information about you that could further compromise your safety.

My sister gave me some information concerning my cell phone number. She told me to get it "pass code protected". I contacted the cell phone provider and said I wanted the number (the one I was using) to be "pass code protected". This means you come up with a combination of a couple numbers &/or letters. Something no one would know but you. This way, no one can get a copy of your phone records.

Doing this prevents anyone from getting your phone records. Like I said earlier, it was one of precious sister's that gave me the information I'm now passing on to you. Her husband was able to get a copy of her phone records for the previous two years!

I've also known women whose abuser had 'planted' a GPS (global positioning system) on their vehicles. They wondered "how" every move they made was known to their abuser. One lady found it by accident...she was looking under her car, as it appeared she had an oil leak. Other than noticing the leak she found something quite unexpected...what she found was a small disc shaped object placed under her bumper. Not knowing what it was, she pulled it off. the next day she went to an auto parts store. She showed the employee what she'd found and asked what it was. He explained to her that it was a GPS...giving information to every place she took her vehicle.

Oh my, the more information I share, the more I realize I need yet to pass on. I'm committed to your safety. Please, tell someone. No one deserves to be abused. Today, I added some national hot line information links. They are there to help.

Hopefully, my next post will include some specifics you'll need to prepare for...in case of an immediate need for safety. Due to the fact I had asked a few questions before that "one particular" night...I felt a bit empowered. Looking back, I can see clearly, had I known the right questions to ask, I could have been better prepared.

Be Safe My Sisters,

Kathryn

Friendships Between Women & All Their 'Children'

2008-03-20T20:18:00.007-04:00

The friendships I have with some particular women have proven to not only help me to become a better person but have helped encourage and guide me to fulfill many goals, hope and dreams. To them I owe a debt of gratitude that in 10 lifetimes I could never repay. Yet, this particular post is dedicated to one particular woman that is beyond wonderful...and I never pass up an opportunity to tell her how valued, honored and respected she is.

Some of these friendships have spanned over three decades. We have sought comfort and advice from one another. Other times the sharing of joy, laughter and pain. Though I have no biological children, I have many 'children' that have been 'grafted' within my heart by the Lord. Now, many of them have families of their own. It's to the number one child of mine "grafted" into depths of my being I dedicate this post.

One of the 'children' born of the Lord to me, is one of the women I admire most. When she first came into my life, the thing that was most evident was her desire to learn...learn...learn. This young woman was like a sponge. She reminded me of myself at that age. Curious, full of questions and a heart desirous to make a change...a lasting change within a hurting world. Nothing was impossible to her, as nothing was an impossibility to me.

Of course, she had also shared her fears. Yet, what was so striking about this young woman she was willing to put her own fears aside, as she readily saw the greater good. She never had a second thought about accompanying me to eastern Europe. I should say that she'd never been on a flight outside the USA. Not to mention the fact that one of her fears had been going into a nation/nations like this.

The one thing that will forever be etched within my memory took place immediately after we landed and were within a city of just over 3 million people. Vastly different in every aspect imaginable to the US. She was wide eyed with wonder. Looking at everything, primarily her eyes were looking upward at the architecture so vastly different that she was used to. She became oblivious to the lights giving the 'go ahead' to cross the street. So transfixed she was! I had to, literally, hold her hand as we walked across the wide boulevards as traffic darted this way and that. The vehicles were not inclined to stop in spite of the light changing color, and I was worried for her safety.

For me seeing this newness thorough her eyes...made things new again for me! Nothing was taken for granted, absolutely nothing. Each day as we went about doing the work which we were there to complete...the continual "oohs & aahs" simply served as a reminder to be ever so vigilant not to allow anything the Lord allows us to see escape our attention. Every face was made as a portrait within our hearts, the voices we heard...we can still 'hear'. The smell of diesel fuel and burning garbage, was even a source of joy...as this represented to us a place where we fell in love with the people and nation. The good the bad or the not so good...made no difference to us. These people became our people...our love for them will never end.

The one thing this marvelous young woman didn't like were bugs. However, her total transformation was so complete that by the end of this particular journey, hunger got the best of us. There was a partial loaf of bread left. There were bugs crawling upon the bread and the table. (To me, this would never have been a big deal, yet was unsure as to what her reaction would be). She promptly picked up the knife to cut us both a thick slice of bread...but...before doing so, used her finger to just 'flick' off the bugs. Once I began laughing as what I viewed as a major transformation, it occured to her what I was laughing about. If memory serves me correctly, her only comment was something like, "Well, I was hungry".

Never underestimate what is able to be changed. We...all...need to get past outward appearance and (as an old Beatle song says) "give peace a chance".

To this wonderful woman, now has her own family. (She knows I'm talking about her!) My love for you was born upon the Rock of Jesus Christ. I should say, too, that her husband is also one of the "children" the Lord 'grafted' within my heart. Talk about a match made in heaven!!!

To all readers, never underestimate your ability to touch a life...as I've said before: every life...touches every other life.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

Why Are The Tears Still Falling?

2008-03-19T03:12:00.008-04:00

Why do there seem to be endless tears? Personally, I never knew anyone could weep so long...nor so often. The darkness of my own thoughts would swirl within my mind...often making sleep unattainable. Thoughts of suicide? Yes. Was this something I gave some serious consideration? Yes. Often I spent hours contemplating and making plans on "how" I would do it. Yet, now that I was living in a "safe house" why was I feeling so desperately alone? Too many questions that I could not answer. This darkness enveloped my mind and it appeared there would be no solution. I was, again, feeling trapped.

Of course, there were well qualified counsellors, and an amazing staff available to me. However, the wounds were so deep and had spanned just about two & a half decades...I really did not believe things for me could possibly change.

The 'needs' I had were many. I was pointed into the right directions for this help I now required. What I was soon to discover further deepened the darkness of my own thoughts. You see, I was one of those individuals that "fell through the cracks" of the system. Not to mention that I was told (on more than one occasion) that most women go back & forth to their abusers approximately 6 times before they make that final break. Was I destined to be part of the statistic I was told...would I change my mind and return to the abuse I had been routinely subjected? I began to think...perhaps, I should return. My thinking was that, if the situation I had become accustomed to living was as drastic as I thought...how could "I" be one of those that "fell through the cracks of the system"? Wasn't it set up to help those in situations exactly like the one I now found myself.

The first counsellor I had must have thought I was 'double-minded' at best. During these sessions I was encouraged to talk...she listened. Our times together would always end with "What do YOU want to do?" My thinking (although left unsaid)...was I have no clue as to what I wanted to do from one day to the next, let alone what did I want to do concerning the abuser. To say I vacillated between opinions is an understatement. I could rationalize in my own mind "reasons" to stay and "reasons" to never return.

I was soon given to another counsellor as the first was taking another position. This second counsellor proved to not only be more mature, but made more sense to me. She used a "role play" technique. My first thought was , "I'm not a child playing games!!" However, as she took the time to explain, in detail, what could be achieved, I relented. It soon became apparent that her methods were at least beginning to turn my negative thinking toward a more emotionally healthy attitude.

Thoughts of suicide, however, did persist from time to time. Yet, this new counsellor taught me about putting into place a "safety net". When these thoughts occurred we had made an agreement that I would call one of the folks I had listed as a contact on my "safety net". It was recommended that I have a minimum of five people of whom I trusted. However, I only had three people that I truly trusted.

One of those that were listed was my Mother. She did not live anywhere near me, and it was only phone conversations. When we are younger most all of us think we know more than our parents. (Youth can be so foolish at times!) My Mother listend to me, no matter what time of day or night I called. Her giving me the avenue to talk about all that I was thinking as clouds of darkness seemed to be swallowing me up...led to a turning point and a revelation to my thinking process.

Her willingness to just "listen" allowed me to talk about absolutely everything. Once I heard the words coming out of my own mouth...the negative grip they had upon me soon began to lose their hold that had wrapped itself around my mind. Ever so slowly and little by little...that darkness began to lift.

Not only the abuse had stolen so many years of my life, but there had also been a recent betrayal of someone I had trusted for almost 20 years. We knew each other inside and out. She even asked me to attend during the birth of her second child. Never did it enter my mind that in my greatest hour of need that she would turn her back on me. Although she, at first, went to great lengths reassuring me that she had already known of the abuse and would help me do what it took to get out of that situation...but the very next day, she called me and let me know, that since they, too, (she & her husband) held leadership position within the same church...they thought it best not to get involved.

No words I posses could explain the total abandonment I felt at that moment. But now I was living in this "safe house"...having left everything behind. Uncertain of everything and unable to "wrap my mind around" to the reasoning of the friend that had abandoned me...after promising to help. She even went though a list of things she would be able to do on my behalf...like rounding up a couple people that could help me, safely, get out of the house while my abuser was gone.

The first few months were filled with day upon day of endless tears. The wise counsellor let me know that now that I was 'safe' all the pent up emotion of so many years was finally able to be released. This made sense to me and a light of new hope was born.

There was something I learned from one of my sisters that proved to be of extreme importance. Yet, time prevents me from going further today, but I will address it in the next post.

Keep your eyes looking above for that is truly where our help is coming from...and also know that others have been in your situation and were able (with help) to escape the "trap" of domestic violence.

From Someone Who's Been There & Back,

Kathryn

The Whole World Is Hurting

2008-03-17T21:25:00.009-04:00

Today was a real "eye opener" for me. I searched for sites like this blog dealing with Domestic Violence...however, what I found was more than the single topic of Domestic Violence.

I saw that the whole world is hurting.

To be totally honest, I wasn't really surprised by all I'd seen today while searching the internet. Due to the fact that I'd spent 12+ years criss-crossing the globe...I'd seen many things. Many things I wish I could erase from my memory, yet, these are the very things my heart will never relinquish.

Ghandi once said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". This is something I know is the truth. Yet, how often do we look at someone that we view as "different"? More often than we would like to admit to ourselves.

Having lived off and on outside the nation of my birth has taught me much. First, I would say that none of us are as different as we think we are and we all basically desire the same things.

Safety and secuity for our family and loved ones, to be treated with dignity and respect, to have available adequate health care, proper food, shelter and equal protection and that no one should be subjected to arbitrary arrest, detention or exile. Everyone should have the right of freedom of movement, freedom of opinion and expression...not to mention the freedom of peaceful assembly.

The paragraph above I learned through being taught the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights". This document was created by the General Assembly of the United Nations in 1948.

The very first sentence of the "Preamble" reads: "Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world...".

Obviously, this is but a part of that document. After the "Preamble" there are 30 Articles. I've lived long enough to know that every life...touches every other life. Let the changes that are needed begin with us, the individual. Let's be helpers and encouragers to one another. If it doesn't start with us...then where will it begin? Or will it ever begin?

I know this is not on my original topic of Domestic Violence, yet, I felt the things that I was, again, reminded of that I would be remiss not to share them.

Warmest Regards,

Kathryn

Terror in The Night

2008-03-15T06:38:00.008-04:00

Within a couple weeks of my marriage, I began getting hit, punched or kicked during the night. When I would begin crying out, my husband would rouse enough to realize what he had done. The first few times this happened I didn't know what to think..other than what he told me. His explanation was that he was having a "nightmare". In other words, it wasn't his fault. I was inclined to believe this.

However, as weeks turned into months, then months turned into years...I became accustomed to laying so close to the opposite edge of the bed, that I always slept with my left foot and left hand touching the floor. If I somehow were to accidentally roll over and be facing him...there was a reflexive action within me to immediately turn over the other way.

The hitting, punching, kicking did not occur every night, but several times a week. I had tried to discuss this with him more times than I can count. His response to me was that it was not his fault as it was done during a "nightmare"...and would shout at me saying, "Why don't you just crucify me!" Never did he deny this was taking place...but he CHOSE to do nothing about it. I, too, chose to do nothing...after all, he told me it was during a "nightmare"...and I need to take into consideration he didn't mean it.

We had many good friends...very few knew of the abuse...and only one couple knew of the terror in the night that I had been accustomed to. This couple lived within the same state we did for many years...then they moved to a southern state. Our friendship continued despite the distance. One day we got a call and they let us know they were going to be coming back to visit their children but they felt "compelled" to come and visit us, too. We lived hundred of miles from their children, and knew this would be "eating into their time", yet, were so excited they were coming to stay with us for a few days.

When they got to our home, it was soon discovered that their main reason for the visit was to help do an "intervention" on my part concerning the punching, hitting and kicking. This terror in the night had now been going on a full 21 years!

So, there we were the four of us sitting around our dining room table. This couple knew the "secret" of what had been taking place at night for all these years. The conversation was such as to point out that my husband was well aware of what he was doing, as it was never denied. They told him "if" he desired to preserve the marriage, he needed to get some help. However, the first and very least he could do was move into another bedroom. This of course was something I had been continually asking him to do. Only to be shouted at that it was not his fault.

This couple let him know that since he was well aware of what was taking place, that it was his responsibility to "do something about it and get some help". After several grueling hours, he relented at their urging to sleep in a different bedroom. He shed some tears...which I had seen many times, yet nothing ever changed. This time he agreed and told this couple he would do as suggested. I was surprised he agreed and was hopeful that he may get the help he needed.

The day they left to return home, I found out I was wrong. He said the promise he made was under "duress"...and that as my husband it was his right to sleep in the same bed. Something had changed within me...although subtle. I told him that he was definitely going to sleep in a different room, and that since he promised the couple he would do as suggested and that if he didn't comply I was going to call them. After a few hours of listening to rantings...he "decided" to sleep in the back bedroom.

His "rantings" consisted of him screaming so loudly he would get hoarse. He would (literally) jump up and down, pull his hair, punch himself, then start punching the walls, throw things, throw himself on the floor while kicking and screaming and eventually turn his rage toward our dogs. So frightened they would become they would try and hide themselves. He was never really able to do them harm as I always placed myself between he and the dogs.

Although he moved into the other bedroom, I still kept my bedroom door shut. However, many times I'd wake in the night, "feeling" as if someone were in the room. I'd turn around and there he would be standing over me, just staring...but saying nothing. I could tell by the look on his face that it was in my best interest to stay completely calm...and just ask him if everything was OK. For several moments he said nothing, then just turned and walked back out.

It was after a few times like this, I got a lock for my bedroom door. I should let you know that he was not a war veteran, a drug user nor did he drink. The insistence that it wasn't his fault was being told to me over and over...it was like playing a broken record.

Critical Information!

2008-03-14T21:10:00.001-04:00

I don't know if the laws meant to protect and help women in crisis are the same in all states. The information that I'm going to share is STILL the same today! I wish I could say that there have been changes...but there have not.

When I've had to go to the hospital/ER. etc...due to injuries sustained at the hand of an abusive husband...never was I asked, while being alone, if I was living in a "safe environment". I was, however, asked if I were living in a "safe environment" while my abuser was standing right next to me. How do you think I answered??? Of course, I said I was living in a "safe environment"...if I were to have answered truthfully, it would produce the same situation for which I was now seeking medical help.

I implore those of you that need help let it be known that,indeed, you are "not in a safe environment"...let the nurse/health care provider KNOW you are in a crisis situation! Ask the nurse/health care provider to assist you in the bathroom or whatever it takes to get that health care individual ALONE and without your husband/significant other able to hear what you must tell them to get the help you need. Words alone could never express the importance of this issue...it is CRITICAL!

Many times it wasn't even my abuser that accompanied me to the emergency facility, but it was a family member of his...many times a female. If I were to have told the truth about being in an unsafe situation...it would have most definitely be reported back to the abuser.

I should say that often in the restrooms of medical facilities there may be information that gives the telephone number, locally, to obtain help. If you get one of these numbers, HIDE IT!! Hide it where ever you need to...your shoe, bra, etc....again, do what YOU need to do in order to receive the help you deserve. No one deserves to be abused! NO ONE!

While I was living in the shelter for domestic violence...I needed to arrange for an outpatient surgery. The doctor, and the hospital knew that I was living in a "safe house". All concerned knew they had to contact me through the staff of the "safe house" or contact me directly through my cell phone. HOWEVER.....

I was supposed to get a call from the hospital to confirm my time of arrival, and which entrance to use. I waited and waited...but no call came. Finally, one of the staff said that I should contact the hospital. When I called them they let me know they had called my home and left the information with my husband! He was the abuser and the very reason I was now living in a shelter and needing the outpatient surgery. I was absolutely stunned!

To say I was both terrified and shocked is an understatement of vast proportions. This was a major breech of confidentiality. I let the staff know and then called my doctor's office, who in turn contacted the hospital. Security needed to be contacted ASAP.

The day of my outpatient surgery arrived. I was driven to the hospital by a staff member and immediatley ushered into a separate room. This further made me feel victimized. Next, I was taken into the room to be "prepped" before the procedure. So terrified that the abuser would show up, I had to be medicated three times before surgery could begin. Each footstep I heard created immediate panic, as I was sure he would find me. I felt totally vulnerable

I wish I could say that things have changed, but they have not. Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post...if you seek medical attention do whatever it takes to get a healthcare provider alone! Let someone know you need help...it's available, none of us that have ever found ourselves in this situation can do it by ourselves.

Will There Ever Be Peace in My Life?

2008-03-14T17:39:00.000-04:00

This is my first time with a blog. Needless to say, that I had to have help to get even this far. I am filled with deep gratitude to my amazingly loving husband (of less than 2 years) and a woman that the Lord grafted into my heart almost 16 years ago. When I first met her, I was her 'teacher'...now she is teaching me. She has a beyond beautiful heart and filled with compasson.

No one knew the level of abuse that I was dealing with for just about 25 years. After all, it must have been 'my fault'...this is what I truly believed. I needed to "adapt myself to my husband's plan". There are those of you, that having read only the above words, would think I must have been within a 'church setting'. If you are thinking that, you are 100% correct. Not just within a church setting, but in a high level of leadership. The level of leadership spanned more than 23+ years.

I should back up...and let you know that from the time I was a child, the prejudices and strife between things people viewed as "differences" caused me great emotional pain. I didn't understand WHY people could not get along with those not exactly like themselves.

As a child I was taught about "race". I knew that I was of the "human race", but my new puppy was not "human". Those were the only differences that I could truly understand. Needless to say, when viewing on TV the horrors of what was taking place down south...I was shocked. How could this be happening? Why couldn't everyone vote? If everyone is "created equal"(as I was taught), how could all that I was seeing take place? How come no one was helping? Did the president know about this, too? I even asked my teacher if she could write a letter to the president, just in case he didn't see it (what I had viewed) on telelvision.

Being an unusually curious child, I asked questions...a LOT of questions. I soon learned that the questions I was asking somehow must be "off the wall". My questions soon began to go unanswered. The only purpose this served was that my curiosity grew!

Again, this is back tracking (I apologize) yet, feel what I'm about to share is important, as it will give you a glimpse into the way my thinking process was even as a 3 year old. I was sitting on the floor, in front of the TV. The children's program I was watching was to help kids learn how to put words together. The words for that day were: "...a little while ago." I thought...WOW...new words! I immediately went into my bedroom and lay down on my bed. I began practicing those new words..."a little while ago". I repeated them to myself over and over again.

That particular day, my mom was out running errands and my aunt was baby sitting us kids. When I thought I had mastered these 'new words'...I proudly went out to my where my aunt was. I said, "Aunt -----, I know more words!" However, what came out of my mouth, was definitely NOT pronounced properly...it came out, "...a lil' wah-go". My aunt said "Don't talk to me until you can speak English!"

Was I upset? Not in the least. I heard what came out of my mouth and knew it was not what I had learned on TV. So, being told to "speak English"...I went back into my bedroom and back onto my bed...so I could "practice". By the time my mom came home...I could say, "A little while ago"! This was my first big victory!!!

Good grief! I just realized, after writing so many paragraphs, that I hadn't even touched on the main reason for beginning this blog. Actually, there are several reasons for beginning to 'blog'...and Domestic Violence is the main reason.

Perhaps, it would be good to see if this blog gains any readers. I know for a fact that domestic violence is "across the board"...into ALL levels of background. When I had to flee my home and live in a shelter for domestic assaut ("safe house"), there were various races, socio-economical, and religious backgrounds represented. Just re-reading this paragraph caused me to begin weeping. I saw up close and personal...this touches more people than most would admit. It also let me see that a "personal protection order" doesn't necessarily protect those that need it...and that in some cases it produces more chaotic circumstances.

The one thing I most definitely would like you to know is that you are NEVER really alone. There are those waiting to help, but, unfortunately the ones needing help don't know where to begin.